Starting Anew

 I didn’t change jobs for 8 years. I made it my second home. I knew everybody. And when I say knew, I really meant it. I was friendly with families of colleagues! I hung out with work friends almost everyday after work. Our discussions were 2% work and 98% personal. The office boys, driver, boss’s children, vendors, and clients who gave recurring business – they were like extended family. And my colleagues – they really were family. We exchanged Diwali gifts and planned surprises for each others birthdays! Comfort zone doesn’t get more comfortable. At 29 years old, I had made roots and was too comfortable (read: scared) to move. I don’t know what was the trigger, but when I did make a decision to uproot myself and start a new job, I was terrified. To anyone who asked how I was feeling, I maintained the stance that I am excited. Which wasn’t entirely false. Change is exciting. But this was a big change for me. Too big to handle.

 

It is like re-starting dating after being committed to one person for a long time. You forget how to flirt, you are unsure of yourself around new beaus, you are conscious of what you are wearing, how short you are, what you are ordering for lunch (and how much!), which jokes you laugh on and which jokes you make – most of all, you are unsure of how long it takes for the relationship to become serious. So the night before I started the new job, I was a mess! I had my wardrobe planned, laid out and ironed down to my underwear. But of course, it was changed thrice! My bag was packed and repacked to ensure I had all the documents, a right sized diary, a set of working pens (different colours – mind you!). I had to make a silly excuse when my husband caught me trying out smiles in the mirror. It was horrible. I reached office half an hour before I was meant to. I was extra polite. I think at some point I bowed to one of the office helps! The drive was long, the office was new, people were unknown and I had to prove myself all over again. It was a nightmare. Sure, (some) people were nice. They smiled, asked me to lunch, made polite enquiries about me – but I was the new girl and the group had more exciting stuff to talk about than the new girl. Things didn’t change overnight. Learning about the new company, remembering faces and names, learning everything about the company and understanding their expectations from me, making an impression (hopefully the right one!) – it takes time.

 

 I am not sure how long it took (partly because of the pandemic) but I did start feeling like I was a part of the team. Instead of the one with the questions, I became one with the answers. I think how the office helps treat you, if they remember your name, if they smile at you while passing – it’s testimony to how comfortable you have made yourself in an organisation. The fact that the office boys started remembering when and how I liked my coffee, was proof that I had embedded myself in the company’s social fabric.

 

And then, two years later, another opportunity came by. The earlier feelings of excitement mixed with dread resurfaced – but this time, excitement triumphed fear. I was more confident, more sure of myself. Maybe it was because I was older, or just more sure footed. The night before the first day at the new office, I did not lay out the clothes. I simply stopped at visualising them in my mind – complete with shoes and earrings. 😊

The Ordeal

 April 8th, Thursday: The mister came back home earlier than planned from West Bengal after covering the state elections' first phase. On the way home, he took a halt at Indraprastha Apollo to get tested for COVID19. He came back, refused my welcome hugs, did his laundry, had a long bath, and quarantined himself.

I sat near the door, he sat on the bed. He gave me a blow by blow account of the political rallies. In short, they were loud, hot, and overcrowded. News about Maharashtra's second (third? fourth?) COVID19 wave had started coming in but news channels had the mandate (from who?) to cover the West Bengal elections. But it worried him and his team. When half the mister's team got sick with high fever, nausea, or body ache, they curtailed their plans, packed their bags, and came back home. To make matters worse, their centrally located hotel had over 50 rooms booked by one of the political parties - more than 80% of them were sick too. 

April 9th, Friday: From 9 AM the next day, we took turns calling the hospital to find out the test results. At 11 AM, the mister got the news that a colleague who traveled with him to Kolkata had tested positive. We were still hopeful. At 12.30 PM, another colleague confirmed that he had been infected. I was still hopeful (notice the shift from we to I). After 6 hours and 30 calls to the hospital, the mister's report came negative. We did a little celebration dance, hugged, dressed, and went out to celebrate. At the almost empty restaurant (too late for lunch and too early for dinner), as always, we ordered more than we could eat, chatted, joked, gossiped, and made plans for the weekend. 

Back home, we invited over our friends to celebrate the mister's recent award for the best news producer. We made plans for lunch at their home the next day. Aunty makes amazing chole-bhature. 

April 10th, Saturday: We brought a pitcher of sweet cold lassi with us. Everybody ate, talked, laughed in abundance.  

April 11th, Sunday: We went to my maternal home. We hadn't met my parents and my side of the family in a long time. I took a ready-made batter for dosa and mum made sambhar. We caught up with everyone in house number 59. My aunt and her daughter-in-law weren't keeping well. They assured us that it was just exertion, effects of then changing weather. After a few hours of being at my parents', the mister's energy levels plummeted. He got his mask on and sat at a distance from everyone. Everyone said he was being silly, the report had come back negative. There was nothing to worry about. My sister and brother-in-law joined us at number 59. We had tea with them and the mister insisted on wrapping up the party immediately after that. We left earlier than I had wanted to. On the way home, the mister said he was feverish. Once back home, his temperature came around 99.5. I called a doctor cousin. He said if you have a fever, sore throat, body ache, headache - whatever the report says - consider yourself COVID19 positive. And the ordeal started. 

April 12th, Monday to April 19th, Monday: It was a tough week. A couple of days into the week, he went for another test and this time tested positive. Despite fever which came and went in waves, crushing body ache and weakness, the mister put on a brave face. Calls from concerned friends and relatives poured in with bucketloads of information on how to handle COVID19. Some suggested Ramdev's Coronil kit, others highly recommended sniffing a mix of camphor, cloves, and carom seeds. Some insisted on checking SPO2 levels every 2 hours, some suggested drinking lots of fluid. Steam, giloy juice, tulsi tea, betadine gargles, reduced sugar intake, high protein diet, a mantra to chant, keeping some money under the pillow to ward off the evil eye - these were all suggestions from our loved ones, which we listened to politely, thanked them and did whatever was possible (and sensible) to us. Having no house helps made life a little difficult, but we managed somehow. Finally, after reaching a crescendo of 101, the fever subsided. But the weakness remained. We breathed a little easy.

April 21st, Wednesday: While speaking to my mother-in-law in Kanpur, we found out that she was feverish - had been for quite some time. The excuse sometimes was too much time out in the sun or exertion. But this time, the fever came on a public holiday - no sun, no exertion. And there was a wedding in the family in a few days, with the festivities beginning the next day. We immediately booked her a cab for the next day to bring her home to us. 

April 22nd, Thursday: I spent most of the morning cleaning and sanitizing my mother-in-law's room. Mummy came in the evening. She was tired from the journey and burning with 101 degrees fever. We consulted the doctor, put her in quarantine, started her on meds, and booked a COVID19 test for her (and myself) for the next day. The fever remained high, never going below 100 degrees. It came with horrible aches. Mummy is a strong woman and when she moans in pain, it means her pain is unbearable. Unable to touch or hug or hold, we watched from a distance, talked about random things to distract her, make her smile, forget her fever. 

April 23rd, Friday: Swab samples were collected for mummy's (and my) COVID19 test. Despite her childlike insistence on not being hungry, not enjoying the food, we continued a stream of food, liquids, fruits. The medicines were heavy and many. For someone who took allopathy as a last resort, popping pills was torture. The fever subsided to around 99 when the pills were working, otherwise remained at 100 - 101 degrees.

April 24th, Saturday: The test reports came back. Mummy's positive (unsurprising), mine negative (miraculously!).

April 25th Sunday to April 27th, Tuesday: It has been two days since mummy felt feverish. But her body is yet to recover from the high fever's effects. She is weak and struggling with body pains. The mister is recovering nicely. The weakness reduces every day. The household has consumed around 100 tablets of medicine, 10 liters of fruit juice, 20 litres of coconut water, 2 bottles of betadine gargle, 2 packs of Glucon D, 1 bottle of sherbet, and a pack of iced tea (the last one is just me though). 

The ordeal hasn't yet ended. We are still very cautious and taking all required steps for the sick to recover quickly and nicely. 

Despite the hectic past three weeks which involved work from home and work for home along with nursing my loved ones back to health, I am grateful. I am grateful that the mister's and mummy's oxygen levels were normal. I am grateful that everyone we unintentionally exposed to our sick selves remained healthy. I am grateful for all my friends and family who are healthy and safe. I am grateful for the love, support, and concern of all my family and friends. I am grateful for the technology that has allowed us to stay connected despite physical limitations.

Like an ostrich that buries its head in the sand, I have been trying to look the other way whenever the news is on. But every day it gets impossible to ignore the deaths, the rising cases, the pleas for oxygen (oxygen of all things!!), medicines, injections, ventilators, hospital beds. I feel helpless. But still, selfishly grateful that my loved ones are safe so far. And I hope and pray that they remain so. 

New Beginnings

It all started with a virus.

It seemed like the beginning of the end.

It cooped us all in our homes.

Without support or even a friend.

Millions lost their lives.

Even more, lost their livelihood.

Governments across the world struggled,

Doing the best they possibly could.

It tested the human race,

To an unfathomable extent.

But we are resilient beings.

And soon things were on a mend.

It started with the little things,

Like families spending more time together.

And soon bloomed into exploring new joys,

Like gardening, baking, or just enjoying the weather.

We witnessed digital revolution two-point O (2.0)

With virtual reunions and online classes.

The physical restrictions brought people even closer,

And infused feelings of compassion in the masses.

The doctors worked tirelessly,

And the scientists weaved their magic.

Within 6 short months, we had vaccines ready,

And the number of cases was no longer tragic.

We learned a new way to live,

With frequent hand washes and face mask.

Despite the challenges, life went on,

And it was more than we could ever ask.

It seemed like the beginning of the end

With the world under lockdown, everyone complaining.

But we converted the challenge in to an opportunity

And made ourselves a new beginning!

But let’s not get complacent.

If anything, we should learn to cherish our life even more.

Be grateful to everyone and to mother Earth.

Let’s spread love and not war.  

Business As Usual

I woke up this morning to a blanket of fog. It engulfed everything – buildings, lawns, cars, people, cattle and stray dogs. From my 14^th floor balcony, all I could see was fog. The mister switched on the TV. Out of habit, he tuned in to a news channel. But unlike every other day, he didn’t switch to a music channel after checking the highlights. I had my breakfast while watching the news. It was like looking at a car wreck – hard to look at but harder to look away from. I couldn’t watch any more. I wolfed down my breakfast and took the elevator down to the basement parking. I switched on the ignition, let it run for half a minute. I noticed the petrol tank was close to E. I had had the petrol tank filled to the brim last week. It had cost me 2800 rupees. I drove to the nearest Magenta Line Metro station. It was business as usual on the roads. Filling the petrol tank so soon bothered me. I did math in my head for driving all the way to work versus taking the metro. After all, taking the metro was temporary – till things got back to … normal. I had the headlights on high beam. Because of the fog. The blinkers were on too. The parking lot had more space than usual. I double-checked if the headlight was off. I pet the puppy in the parking lot. It followed me for some time. Its mother kept an eye on us from a distance. The lines to enter the station, which extended till metro station entry usually, were non-existent today. The platform was less crowded than usual. I got a seat in the metro – it didn’t happen often. The recorded announcement on the train informed that the metro won’t halt at three stations. They apologized for the inconvenience. Not many bothered to look up from their phones to pay attention to the announcement. The woman standing in front of me told her friend that she would be participating in the protest today. Her brother was detained yesterday. I wanted to enquire if her brother had made it back safe, where was he taken for detainment – but I didn’t. The train slowed down at Jasola Vihar, Jamia Milia Islamia, and Sukhdev Vihar – but didn’t stop. The platforms at these stations were deserted. I made up a story in my head that at each station the metro driver wanted to stop the train as a sign of his protest, but fearing his job – he didn’t. I relinquished my seat to a lady with a baby. Standing up, I peeked down at the roads. A building in Jamia had a spray-painted message – Ideas are bulletproof. The buildings and campus in the Jamia University were empty. There was a scattering of people right outside the gates. I couldn’t see any posters or placards. The train trundled on. I got off at my station. I stood on the skywalk, looking at either side. On one side there was Jamia, and the other had GK and Nehru Place. I wondered what it took to participate in protests, be one with the crowd, chant slogans, make yourself heard. I thought - nothing will change. I remembered the blanket of fog. It made me feel small, insignificant, helpless. It engulfed everything without giving anyone an option. I began walking towards the office. There was a Christmas party planned today.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly – Election 2019

I am at a loss of words. But I still want to document my thoughts about what is probably India’s largest, dirtiest and most passionate electoral battle till date. Despite different analysis by some leading psephologists, journalists, analysts and many common people like you and me, Modi won (again). A landslide victory. Stunning millions of people like me. Most Modi bhakts and many analysts are not surprised. They believe it was evident. Evident because Modi’s ideology resonates with that of Indians (or Hindus?). Evident because the fakir can have no hidden objective, commercial interest. Because Modi’s family is the nation and not his estranged wife and old mother who only resurfaces during significant political moments.

But it was not evident for me. Even after all the exit polls indicated the same thing, I still had hope. Hope that the ‘liberal’ and ‘secular’ won’t be misconstrued as dirty, unethical words. Hope that India’s core values of democracy, unity in diversity, secularism will resurface. It is obvious that I undermined the obvious undercurrent of vikas, need to bring Hindutva under the spotlight and make economy, communalism, secularism take side roles. My vision was coloured too. I admit saying on multiple occasions - ‘anyone but Modi’. In my list, corrupt, megalomanianc, cynical leaders fared better than the pied piper who now has the power to take India anywhere it wants. And history has proven often that absolute power corrupts.

But despite my natural inclinations, I am urging myself to be optimistic. And I do believe, that whatever stance anyone held during the built up to the election, it is time to restore peace and get life back to normal. This election was the dirtiest one ever. It brought out the worst in people. Whichever side they were on (there were only 2 – pro Modi and anti Modi), most people I knew were bitter, loud, abusive, tenacious, condescending, know-it-alls, angry, smug, mean, uncouth, rude, depressed and/or sad. Seniors at work misused their seniority to impose their political inclinations on their subordinates, friends became enemies, hundreds of people exited Whatsapp groups after heated arguments (that just might have been a blessing in disguise though), like property wasn’t a big enough issue – families fought over politics as well, trolls ran amuck on social media dissing people into depression. Things got very ugly. I was mean to many people. Many people were mean to me. But it didn’t balance out the scale. It just made matters worse.

Like it, love it, bear it or hate it, Modi has swept the elections. Pro-Modi people are celebrating with mild comments like ‘told you so’ or stronger sentiments like ‘Modi haters, which country will you now go to?, Modi will ensure that the haters are weeded out, anti Modi people are disillusioned, confused, weak and unintelligent and worse. Those who disagree or vehemently disagree with Modi’s ideology will respond by not responding or starting their own mean comments like ‘The overall IQ of India is less than that a herd of sheep’, India is headed to a dark place, this is the end of India as we know it – secular and communal. But what use will it be? These sentiments – especially sentiments of those who ensured Modi came back with a landslide victory shocking all his political competitors – will be misused by the ruling government to lead them towards their alleged agenda of a single minded, non-democratic India. Sentiments of those against Modi will be exploited to create problems for the current government. But what good will it be to us?

Whether we are celebrating or dissing this victory, it is time to bring things back to ‘normal’. Stop calling each other names. Stop thinking ones with different ideology are less competent. Stop boasting. Stop roasting. It is okay to appreciate the government, just as it is okay for the people to question the government. We are the common people who can do extraordinary things simply by having the other’s back – in spite of their political inclination, caste, colour, creed, religion, region, sexual orientation or even taste of music. Let us look beyond the surface to what are the things we need to fix to truly grow better as a society. Whether we do it by hating Modi or worshipping him - does not matter (now). What matters is that we play a role in society’s betterment and have the same ideologies when it comes to what the society needs – peace, brotherhood, love among other things like economic security, safety, development for all.

We have taken our time to celebrate or grieve this election’s result. Let us spend the next 5 years in ensuring that we are better people. I’m going to start by practicing what I am preaching.

Jai Hind!

Musings

Why is the speed of light faster than the speed of sound

Why are all the celestial bodies (almost) round

Why does earth sustain life

When for survival everyone has to strive

Why are the oceans so deep

Why do mammals need to sleep

Why are humans the only ones to drink another animal's milk

Why do they wear a worm's vomit and feel proud to call it silk

Why do humans wear clothes at all

When a crow is never seen wearing a shawl

Why do they say you are what you eat

Why reduce more than half the world to a piece of meat

Why do they need to label bloody everything

Gender, relationships, economic status among a million other things

Why do they let money and power go to their head

When all one needs is food to eat and to sleep in, a bed

Why is the race about earning a better living

Why does it not include being kind and forgiving

Why does everyone die of natural causes, acts of 'god' or diseases like cancer

Why are there so many questions left without an answer

Poster Boy of Pop Patriotism

So the Mister, once an admirer of Akshay Kumar, has now blacklisted him. He thinks Indian Film Industry's this slightly sub-super star has moved over to the dark side and become a 'chaaploos', a** licker of the Modi govt. I don't really take his word on it. After all he is a cynic and paranoid - a very dangerous combination for an Indian journalist. Although he is sort of a Mr. Know-It-All. And his points in support of his argument are hard to ignore:

1. Kumar's movies, instead of focusing on good and/or entertaining content, now focus on pleasing the govt. He is trying too hard to create a nationalist patriot image. Toilet - Ek Prem Katha is one shitty (pun intended) example. The movie promotes stalking more than it promotes building of shauchalayas in Indian homes. It was a badly executed movie and made tax free in UP.

2. Before that AK won the national award for Rustom - a sub standard film and a below par performance and that too, when Dangal came out the same year. Lobbying much?

3. And what's with releasing movies on Republic day or Independence day? Is it just to tap in the long weekend profits or a conscious effort to create a nationalist image?

4. Even his Kajaria tiles ad - shown mercilessly a thousand times in each theater before and during movie screenings - have a needless angle of nationalism inserted in them.

5. To top it, videos of Akshay Kumar waving an ABVP flag in a rally surfaced. Bleh!

Personally, I think it is good to talk about important issues like menstrual hygiene, building toilets and using them and even 'Make in India'. But becoming a poster boy for pop patriotism to stay in good books of the governing party doesn't do justice to Akshay Kumar's image. He has played an army man or navy officer or special RAW agent as many times as Amrish Puri played the baddie in movies. And all those videos of dancing with soldiers at borders are becoming a bit too run off the mill now.

It pains me to say that I enjoy his mindless comedies like Houseful or Entertainment. But this overdose of gyaan is beginning to seem like an endless social science lesson.

I didn't see Padman because I already have read a lot about Arunachalam Muruganantham and didn't want to see a glorified, romanticised version of it. But I give Twinkle Khanna the credit for this movie. After all, she made the original Padman a household name with the short story on him in her second book.

What really pleases me is that Twinkle Khanna isn't a blind follower of her husband's latest inclination towards the saffron party. She continues to have a mind and voice of her own. Khanna trumped her husband's overtly patriotic and irritatingly pro-ruling party antics with the last line of her column in this Sunday's Times of India on the April Fools' Day - "Around the world, April Fools’ Day comes once a year, but we Indians celebrate it every day, we just call it achhe din."