Guilty Innocent

(Note to Boss: In case you are reading, this is my personal space and I believe I can exercise my right to freedom here at my will.)

I have been pissed for such a long time that it seems rather normal to others now. Maybe another reason for this indifference towards my resentment is that everyone at work is in the same frame of mind since a very long time now. And why should that be so? Because the salary has been delayed for months (I am not mentioning the number of months because honestly, it is embarrassing)? Because no one recognises the work that I am putting in at office? Because long emails assuring that the financial crisis would be averted in 2 months have been coming for 2 years now? Because I am supposed to answer work calls and emails on weekends? Because there is absolutely no motivation to work? Because Mr. Numero Uno forgets that he is a businessman and we are salaried employees? And I can go on and on. But despite this strong resentment, I experienced a rather weird feeling. It is not like I was feeling it for the first time but in this situation, it was rather unexpected.

To change my frame of mind, I decided to take a small trip to a quiet and cool place. And when I applied for 3 days of leave, believe it or not, I felt guilty! I was extra cautious while drafting the leave application. Should I request for leave or should I just tell? After all, why should I have to ask for something that I deserve. Especially after the current scenario that I am working in? And working very hard,mind you. But wouldn't it sound too rude? And as soon as the word rude made an appearance in my thought process, the first real guilt pang hit. And I could not explain it to myself. I mean, being smug would have been justified. But, guilty? Come on! That is just stupid.

So to assure myself I'm not the only person with a mental defect, I consulted Baba Google and guess what! Pages and pages of search results confirmed that this syndrome of feeling guilty while taking an innocent and genuine leave, even sick days, is very common and especially in Indians (go on, try it out yourself). It might give us all an ego boost of sort to believe that we are indispensable to the organisation and no one can replace me. How will the office function without me? But trust me, while you will surely be led to believe that you are an important part of the company and the work that you have been assigned will be in peril if you do not tend to it every minute of your life, it will all be a honey trap. And we invariably fall in it.
No, this paragraph is not going to give you a magic solution to erase that feeling of guilt while you innocently apply for that much needed leave. That guilt is the curse of every sincere employee. I mean I tried a couple of articles which promised to teach its readers 'How not to feel guilty while taking time off from work' and all they recommended was: be available in times of urgency, take time off to improve yourselves by taking seminars and courses, ask your boss if it is okay to take a leave 10 days in advance. It just made me feel very sorry about myself. So the conclusion is that no matter howsoever I might crib but I am a sincere, loyal and hardworking employee by nature who bloody feels guilty to take a leave! The company is lucky to have me.

In fact, I am feeling guilty about writing this post. And I am in two minds whether to post it or not. I guess you would have found out by now if I did or not. 

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