Little Somethings

Last night after a long relaxing bath I made my way to my bedroom with the resolution to catch up on my sleep by getting in bed early. So I went up to my bookshelf to choose a book from my limited library for some night-time reading. I took out an old volume of Sherlock Holmes mysteries. Just as I was about to settle in my bed, I saw two smooth pebbles crammed in the empty space from where I had just taken out the dog - eared book. One was gray - green and smooth to touch, the other one red and rough textured, but both were beautifully oval. I had picked these pebbles from a river bed when in Simla with friends, on a vacation, as souvenirs of the good times. In no time I realised I was smiling while looking in space like a lunatic, remembering that trip and all the fun we had. I blew the dust off the pebbles and replaced them on a more respectable place on my already crammed shelf. 

Forgetting all about my book and my good intentions of sleeping early, I found myself a duster and set about cleaning my shelf. On the top shelf, there’s a collection of little statuettes of the laughing Buddha gifted to me as good luck gestures. Along with the content Buddhas, there is a pretty little idol of Lord Krishna which glows in the dark; a beautiful finger sized Lord Ganesha with a missing arm; a heavy one eyed statue of the Laddoo Gopal; a mini crystal shiv linga and a blackened plate of navakar mantra. The surprising thing is that I am not a religious person! I feel proud in being 'almost - an - atheist'. I wonder why so many deities adorn my bookshelf in that case! But I just did not have the heart to put them away or hand them over to Ma where they would be in safe hands. But the stories and people and memories related to them made it difficult for me to part with them. And I am good at avoiding difficult things.

After rubbing the tummies of all the Buddhas (for luck) and dusting the other deities, I moved on to the trophies. When I was 15, I had about 120 trophies and cups to my name. They gathered dust on the curtain pelmet, almirah tops, table tops, next to the TV, behind the TV, perched precariously on the wall clock.. I guess you get the idea. Every available free space had a trophy on it. No, I don't intend to show off here, (OK, maybe just a bit, there's nothing wrong with being an extra-ordinarily talented child, now is there?). These tokens of appreciation and recognition caused me a lot of embarrassment and usually acted as conversation starters. People used to enter our little drawing room and be taken aback by all that junk! And my parents would pounce at the opportunity of regaling the poor guest with stories behind the trophies and moving on to how talented their daughter is. Anyway, I am drifting here. So, when I grew up and got enough authority in the house, I gave away some trophies and cups to the neighborhood children, most of the lot went to the 'raddi' waalah (My mother was heartbroken. She had planned to give away these trophies as a part of my dowry! :O), some I saved and now they gather dust on my bookshelf. If I had known how nostalgic I would get about my school years, I would have never ever given away all those cups.

(MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: Hunt down the kids I had distributed my awards to. Get them back)

I came across an old diary of mine and when I flipped through it, out fell torn and faded A R Rehman concert passes. It had names on it and smileys and I just couldn't help smiling back at the slightly off balance smiley. I fingered a lone rose pressed between the pages of the diary. I remember selecting the rose from my birthday bouquet. The bouquet was an unexpected gift from a dear friend studying abroad.

There was a lotto ticket with just one remaining number. Our entire family, some 60 people, had gathered on New Year’s Eve to celebrate together. We had chatted and played Lotto. I had waited for ages and ages for that one number to be announced but it never was. I pinned that ticket to my purple board. There were college fest tickets to Jal’s concert and lots of letters and notes, received and written, movie tickets, restaurant bills.

A lot of stuff in my room is totally useless for me. There is a sea - shell, ornamental candles (which don't burn, obviously), a crystal ball with a German cathedral and fake snowflakes and a score of other this and thats. Each one of no obvious use to me, but each a reminder of some incident or someone. It was after seeing all these little nothings that I realized what an emotional idiot I am. I never thought of myself as a keeper of memories, but then my diary records, my writings, my collection of cards and souvenirs prove otherwise. Well, another new revelation about myself. Thought I’d share it with everyone. Maybe I have saved something which reminds me of you as well. J

Not the season for love

The sun is playing hide – and – seek, the wind plays tricks. The weather is just perfect for a romantic date but this is certainly not the season for romance. Much unlike Bollywood, all love stories around me are climaxing towards a sad end. People are more open minded, more modern. There are plenty of opportunities to meet new people, a million new places to explore with your beloved. So then what really is the problem? Let’s try and find out:

1. You, me, we: Yes, we are the problem here. It is so easy for us to fall in love. A pretty new girl in office? All the young bachelors would be figuring out ways to impress her, desperately looking for an opportunity to talk to her, searching her profile on Facebook, practicing their lines before talking to her. All the married men would be shooting side glances at her and bubbling with unsuppressed glory when she bestows them with a smile.

The cutest guy in office said a casual ‘Hi there’ to you? The lady would soon be imagining all sorts of hidden meanings behind those two – words. Every night, she’d be spending an hour in front of her wardrobe thinking about what colour or cut would please him. All her friends would be bored of tales about how the cute guy at work is conspicuously flirting with her.

Falling in love is easy. But once you become officially committed, finding faults becomes easier. Losing patience comes naturally. Accuses, blames, verbal fights, bitching, tears and then goodbye.

Solution: The heart is a muscle which pumps blood. It has got nothing to do with love! So before our hormones get out of control, let’s move beyond the prettiness and use our brains to think about bigger issues like compatibility and understanding.

2. I’m sorry, what were you saying?: Let me open this point with a little example: Last evening, walking back home from the metro station, I noticed a couple in a cycle rickshaw. The boy had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and the girl was resting her head on the boy’s shoulder. They were holding hands. The girl was smiling and saying something. I was just about to go ‘Aw! How sweet’ when a girl in a short black dress, open hair and big sunglasses passed the rickshaw. The boy almost broke his neck trying to see that young girl as she passed the rickshaw. And he might as well have been X – Raying her with his eyes, the way he was gawking at her from head to toe and back again! All this while his poor girlfriend was still babbling about something oblivious to her boyfriend’s cheapness.

So the point here is: Low Attention Spam; which is directly related to my first point above. It is too easy to fall in love again and again and again. Ye dil maange more! The grass in always greener on the other side of the hill. And once you reach the other side, the next hill seems even more greener. And it never ends! Adultery and unfaithfulness are the biggest reasons behind break – ups these days.

Solution: Respect and cherish what you have. Remember the reason why you fell in love and give reasons to your beloved to love you back. Would you like your boyfriend or girlfriend to check out some hottie the way you have been eyeing that hot girl or cool dude?

3. That inflated thing: Ego! The destroyer of relations and the enemy of lovers. I am always right and you are, obviously, always wrong. Who are you to suggest anything to me? What even makes you think that you can get away with pointing faults in me? Yes, Ego!

This one problem is the hardest to overcome. Even after you pledge your whole life to someone, you would always remain selfish. It is always easier to shout than to listen and analyse. It is always easier to find faults in others than to introspect. It is so much easier to blame the other person for the problems in the relationships than to think where we are doing wrong. And in today’s times, when women are equal to men in all respects, it would be unfair to say that it is the male – ego which is even more inflated than a hot – air balloon. We women are no less.

Solution: Once you start thinking about both of you (you and your beloved) as one entity, you think about the combined interests. So even when you act selfish, it is for the both of you. Also, in case of a disagreement, let your partner iterate his/ her problems first. Listen carefully, think it over rationally from your and your partner’s perspective and then give your arguments, requesting your partner to think them through. By giving yourself and your beloved time for analyzing each other’s argument, you take away the rage from the moment. You stop being driven by ego and start thinking rationally. Although, trust me, it is easier said than done.

4. What is it that you want?: Most times, when in a relationship, we tend to assume that our darlings obviously want/ like/ prefer/ enjoy the same things as we do. So when you cancel a movie plan to take your girlfriend home for cosying – up, you might find her a bit unenthusiastic. Or you might wonder why your boyfriend looks so lost even though you are shopping for him in that mall.

I’ll give you an example here: A friend of mine threw a lavish surprise b’day party for his girlfriend. He had called all her and his friends there. There was music and dancing and cake and booze and fifty odd people enjoying. His idea of a perfect party. Though his girlfriend was aptly surprised, she did not seem to be enjoying the party. My friend was so distraught that his girlfriend did not appreciate his gesture that a long and ugly fight ensued between the two, leading to a very messy break – up. Actually, what the girl was looking forward to was a quiet romantic dinner alone with her boyfriend. She did not much care for a noisy party where scores of little known people came just for the free alcohol.

When we impose our preferences on our beloveds, we are hampering their individuality and making them like ourselves.

Solution: Ofcourse we do things for each other when we are in a relation, but it is always a good idea to maintain a healthy balance. If one week, you take your boyfriend for shopping or massage, then try your beau’s idea of fun the next time. If you want to spend your Sunday at home sipping beer and reading newspapers, then take your girlfriend out on Saturday night if she enjoys partying or eating out! Try to step in your partner’s shoes and think like them, for them. Because when you are in a relationship, make your beloved more important than yourself. If he/ she values you the same way, it would be a perfect relationship!

But then in this busy world who has the time to think about someone else when we are anyway too preoccupied with ourselves. So ladies and gents, here lies the problem. We have begun to think that it is easier to fall in love again than trying to make the current relationship work.

As I said, this is certainly not the season for romance. 

What more, on a Wednesday evening, in this pleasant weather, I have nothing better to do than sit in my pyjamas, with oiled hair and a sandalwood pack on my face, and write this blog entry!

Hence, proved! 

A Conversation with a Girl in a Blue- Line Bus

(translated in English)

Me: Where do you get off? (Hoping that she’d name my station or something farther because I did not recognize my station!)

She: Nizzamuddin. You?

Me: Okhla.

SILENCE

She (fiddling with the corner of her lime green synthetic salwar kurta): I like you.

Me: (A bit shocked at this uncalled for admiration)

She: You are not like those other girls who think too high of themselves and stuff earphones in their ears to avoid any conversation. You talk!

Me: (Stuffing my earphones deeper in my purse pocket): Oh. (Smiling uncomfortably) Thank you.. You are .. err.. very nice too.

She: (Smiling brightly): What standard are you in?

Me: (Staring at the black thread on her wrist which had a pretty shell hanging from it at a weird angle): Huh? Oh. I am through with school.

She: Really? What are you doing out of your home, alone in a bus then?

Me: (Wishing for my bed and AC): I am going for work.

She: You work?

Me: Not exactly. I am going for an interview.

She: Government or private? Getting a private job post 12^th is not easy. Infact, now – a – days, government jobs are hard to find.

Me: You are right about that. But I am a graduate.

She: B.A.?

Me: Yup.

She: (looking at me with renewed awe): Then you are sure to get this job. What sort of work is it?

Me: Um.. It is hard to explain. I work for TV companies or newspapers or radio. Do you understand?

She: (Stares at me, blinks and looks away)

Me: (Feeling mighty awkward that I had made her uncomfortable). What do you do?

She: (Looking extremely proud and happy): I have just given my 10^th standard exams.

Me: (Relieved at the change of topic): Great. So Delhi Darshan?

She: Yes. (Flicks her long braid forward, unties her red ribbon and reties it). My brother is taking us to Ajmer to meet our uncle’s mama’s sister.

Me: Oh. So where are you from?

She: Hampi. Madhya Pradesh.

Me: Oh. Yes. I have heard of it in our geography lessons.

She: Geography?

Me: Anyway. So how long have you been in Delhi?

She: Oh, we have seen everything. We came at 7 in the morning. Went to Jama Masjid and then visited Red Fort. It is so boring. Red - red everywhere no?

Me (Big fan of old buildings): Mm-hm. (Looking for a change of topic) So, you and your brother are sight – seeing today, eh?

She: No, no. Me, my eldest brother, my two sister and 4 step – siblings as well.

Me (shocked into silence, trying to find my voice): Umm.. wow, that is some picnic I must say.

She: How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Me: I have an elder sister.

She: And?

Me: And that’s it.

She: What? No brothers?

Me: No. Just us two sisters.

She: Your dad never remarried?

Me: What? No! I mean, by God’s grace both my parents are very much alive and together!

She (Somewhat apologetically and confused): Oh, I thought your mother would have… My mother died 

when I was 3 years old. My father remarried and so …

Me: Oh.

(SILENCE)

Me: You should visit Qutub Minar too. And the zoo as well, it is a lot of fun! The Purana Qila is also nearby:

She (Not so interactive anymore): My brother will not agree. Besides, we are taking the train back to Ajmer today from Nizamuddin.

An old man with a long salt – and – pepper beard came along and tapped the girl in a very un-gentlemanly fashion on her shoulder and moved on. He was trailed by quite a long queue of boys and girls of all ages in similar bright coloured synthetic clothes. The girls had a lot of bling on their salwar – kameez and all the boys wore identical skull caps.

She: My stop is here. It was extremely nice talking to you. You are a pretty girl.

Me: (Blushing slightly out of habit): Thank you. It was wonderful talking to you too. Have a safe journey.

She alighted the bus and waved at me cheerfully. I waved back from the window.

The bus started moving again.

An Ode to You

Those big brown eyes,

Never stay still.

Perfect pretty teeth,

His looks can kill.

He sets his hair

With a frown on his brows.

Takes away my breath

When he comes too close.

He folds the sleeves,

Of his slim- fit shirt.

His sweet warm breath,

Reminds of dessert.

His touch is magic,

Like melting butter

Sends me in a frenzy,

Heartbeat flutters.

He’d say something funny,

When I least expect.

I stutter mid sentence,

Forget the subject.

Then he’d smile that smile,

Which melts my heart,

Hug me close,

That’s my favourite part.

He would say something cute,

Make me blush,

I’ll hide in his arms,

Bid him to hush.

He’d laugh softly,

His voice would chime,

And we’d just hug each other,

For a long, long time.

There’s no climax to this poem,

It’s nothing special or new,

I just wrote it

As an Ode to You.

Letter from a Stranger

Just when I start cribbing about my monotonous routine, some incident makes the day, in want of a better word, interesting! And yet again, our Delhi Metro becomes the backdrop. But the flavor is totally filmy.

For those who still aren’t aware of my plight, I’ll give a brief again. Since I started work at Zee, I have been taking the first metro at 6AM in the morning. Either I am in a zombie like state or too engrossed in my book to bother about anything else. But I never realized that someone else was bothering a bit too much about me!

Today, at Rajiv Chowk metro station, while I had settled down on the platform to catch a nap while I waited for my train, a young boy approached me and handed me a novel: Charles Dicken’s David Copperfield. And our conversation went something like this:

Boy: That guy in the red jacket has given this for you.

Me: *Puzzled expression, almost a frown* What? Who? Excuse me, what?

Boy, pointing vaguely behind him: That guy in red has asked me to give this to you.

Me: Who are you talking about and what..

Boy: I have to catch this train. I’m in a hurry.

And he was off, and I was left at the platform with the heavy novel in my hand still staring at the space where the train had been like a fool. After giving myself a few seconds I opened the book and found a letter inside written on a ruled sheet torn from a spiral notebook, written in black ink. The letter goes like this (sic):

Now its been more than two months I am seeing a very sweet girl... A pretty girl with specs... very punctual of time... a rigorous reader.... never moved her eyes away from the pages of novel... never cared what's around her... & lastly, looks supercute while taking naps between stations....

I don't know what her name is but for me she will always be "the Novel girl:.....

It isn't that I had never seen a beautiful girl before but ever since the day I have seen you, you have been in my mind... So simple still very sweet...

I am (I’d keep him anonymous to you all)... CA Final Student.... we both board the same train from Model Town station... I am very simple... I speak very less & understand things simply. I normally have a reserved nature but don't know why I opened up to you.

Don't take me wrong.. I have just expressed my thoughts in words. I always thought to approach you but never dared to... I think I was more than nervous and also I never wanted to look cheap. So I thought this is the best way I can express myself, silently.

CONFESSION - I had followed you to Zee network office..... very sorry....

bcoz I wanted to know about you...

If you think I am wrong and you find everything absurd then please ignore me and find a perfect trashbin for my feelings...

But if you think that we can be friends, you can contact me...

email id/ facebook id - : (Skipping this particular detail as well because of obvious reasons!)

Humble request:

Ma'am, Atleast accept this novel as a small gift.. I am wondering whether you would like it or not but I suppose it would be as good as "the Wuthering heights".

Wuthering Heights happens to be the last novel that I was reading. I will admit, the letter did put a warm smile to my face and my heartbeat was slightly accelerated because of the exhilaration. Flattery goes down well with all women and I am no exception. I was feeling good but soon, this emotion was replaced by that of worry. Is he a stalker? Should I be scared? What should I do now? Ofcourse, I will return the book, but how will I even recognize him? Would I hurt his feelings? He seems like a decent boy from his letter and would be embarrassed if I end up humiliating him unintentionally. Should I write him a letter as well explaining that though I find the gesture sweet, I cannot accept it? 

Anyhow, I will think of a way to politely decline his offer of being friends, but I will always remember this letter from a stranger which warmed my heart on a chilly morning and brought colour to my cheeks.

*Sigh* J

Middle Aged Me

So it’s been quite some time since I graduated. The last I attended college as a student was on 29^th April. I graduated a young, vibrant, fun, cheerful girl of 21 and 8 months later I feel middle aged, already! I grew a decade old in a matter on months. By middle aged I mean, I am more reserved (as if that’s possible!), more observant, more mature, more sincere. Almost a nerd. My saving grace is that I can still take out double meanings from almost all conversations. I still dance like drunk on cheap songs (the latest being Sheila ki Jawani and Munni Badnam), both, alone in my room (which can be scary if you happen to peep in through the keyhole) and in public (which will have you in splits).

There are many more silly things which keep the kid in me alive. But the symptoms of middle age are distinctly pronounced. A few of them are as follows:

 

1) Patience - I had a short fuse and was proud of it. At times, it was extremely hard to disguise my intolerance. 

After beginning work, I realised that immaturity is an acquired trait, something I have always had low tolerance for, despite being quite immature myself. The funny thing is that most people, who pride themselves in being veterans (read: Snobs!), have amazingly high levels of this not - so - hard - to - find trait. Colleagues fight like kids (though their verbal matches are liberally littered with the choicest of abuses), shout like kids, are as stubborn as kids (at times, close to stomping their feet!). But unlike kids they can't be pacified with a bar of chocolate. When I first got my glimpse of this coveted corporate world, my first instinct was to save myself from the filthy politics of it. But I am not a quitter so I decided to be a part of them, but at my own terms. Now when I watch grown - ups fighting like cats and dogs, I feel amused and in more personal environments, shake my head and cluck my tongue in disapproval and launch into mommy - like speeches on proper etiqutte!

 

2) To joke or not to joke - I was among the few girls in my school and college who had a funny bone. I could make and take jokes unabashedly. Being so sporting and having a good sense of humour made me a tomboy of sorts. And as most jokes end  up being, mine too were insensitive and it was only after I had blurted it out did I realise that it could be receievd in bad taste. 

And now,

NOTE: I feel like a telemarketing salesperson elaborating the after and before effect of a product! :P

And now, I think twice before even passing a comment and either the moment passes away or I end up biting my tongue. And when someone makes a joke on me, I blush like an idiot and my rebuttal isn't as quick and cunning as it used to be. No wonder it is a humourless world. I guess the dryness in people around me is rubbing off on me.

Sigh, such is life dearies!

 

3) Boring: Ok, I have always been a boring person when I am on my own. I am a 'ME' person. I prefer devouring books while I am cozy in my blanket, watching movies back to back, playing my guitar, writing something, all singular activities. I am comfortable with myself and don't feel any need for company. Coffee with friends and movies in theatres and shopping sprees are fine (shopping isn't really fine, but anyway...), but it's the solitary things that give more pleasure.

But there was always a fine balance of solitary and group activities. Of late, I am spending too much time with myself. My itinerary mainly comprises of work, sleeping and eating. I squeeze in music and reading while I am travellign to and fro work. I sleepwalk through the week and it is only during weekends that I relent to my craving for good company and indulge myself. So earlier (yes, it's the before and after thing again) I was comfortable being with myself, and now I have no other option but. The result is: Boring me! 

 

4) I'm not a girl, not yet a woman: Am I reading too much into it or have people really started taking me more seriously now? Suddenly people (especially aunties) start scrutinizing me in a whole new way once they get to know that I am working with a news channel. Infact, a few of my relatives have called me especially to consult on some serious issues! I feel comfortable enough in adult company and the conversation flows easily. They treat me like I am one of 'them'! Though, there are times when I get bored of being treated like a 30 year old and hence, the jolly uncles who pull your cheeks no matter how old you are, will always be missed and loved!

5) Philosophical + Sentimental = OLD - If ever you need advice on personal matters, please DO NOT come to me. Of late I have begun ranting a lot which just guarantees raised eyebrows and stares. If you feel like making small talk about the weather or any new accessory that you just bought, be prepared to listen to a long philosophical monologue which will eventually come around to the inescapable point of how the only important thing in life is being happy and content. And if you happen to find me an un-philosophical mood, don't feel lucky because even if you would be spared from 'only - happiness - is - important' soliloquy, I will, in all probability, launch into a sentimental dialogue on parents, self respect or any other random topic. If you are a girl, you might bear with me for a good 10 - 15 minutes (which would be unadvisable as it would only encourage me to build up momentum, which most definitely would be injurious to both my and your health). But if you are a guy, 30 seconds later you would be running down the lane screaming and declaring my insanity! And when at the young age of 21, boys run away from you, then you don't need any other proof of your middle agedness.

 

 

There are many more evidences which confirm my rapid aging but either they are too embarassing to share, or are skipping my mind (that, dear friend, is another symptom of middle age). Although there is no trace of gray in my unruly hair, no laugh lines close to my eyes. So the situation is still in hand. It is not all bad. The fact that I see in myself a new confidence, better judgement of situations and people, a relaxed and mature attitude, sharper insight and other changes which aren't too obvious at sight, is exhilirating. Also, there is a new maturity on my face which makes people take me a bit more seriously. So overall, its not as bad. Besides, I believe a middle aged grace along with a girlish charm is a rather enviable combination. :P 

 

At the end of the day, all is well. :)

   

 

 

Making Memories

When life is playing a game you suck at,
or pampering you with happy hours,
There are few people I can always count on,
Because nothing is mine, it's always 'our's'.

When old photos fade, memories blur
of joy and bitching and night stays and fun.
Don't fret my love, we'll meet again,
to make new memories, all happy ones.